The never ending story of scan fear

In the case of news, we should always wait for the sacrament of confirmation.

Voltaire

Well the letter arrived today, I always recognise the envelopes unfortunately. I have a scan on Tuesday the 17th September. Its very quick. I am assuming that my Oncologist wants to see what's happening in my lung as she will have to justify her decision to keep me on this chemo. I am praying that she finds such justification.

My biggest fear, as always is that I go into the room of doom for the results and am told that they have now found other tumours elsewhere. Metastatic cancer tends to be alphabetic in its commonly found spread areas; bone, brain, liver, lung. I guess the odds are bone then. Let's hope not. Of course it's no big surprise that my currently diagnosed and only spread is last on the list, I hope to keep it that way. I am going to have to really focus on practising this living in the day philosophy. I cannot afford to spend the next 13 days in a state of fear, it doesn't change the outcome but instead robs me of time, time which I need to make the most of. For this reason I am going to make a plan for every day. Whether it is banal stuff like the shopping or more exciting things like booking a holiday for my 3 week chemo break. I must do this. I must have something to keep me occupied. You would think that the scans would get easier, but the reality is that they don't. Thus it is crucial to find little tricks to keep you sane. My friend is finishing work for a while in a couple of days and we are going to look into doing some yoga. This is now even more important to do over the next couple of weeks. I have a class in mind so I will make it happen. That's all I can do, keep busy and try not to imagine the worst. I cannot give in to my crazy mind conjuring up all kinds of awful outcomes. Whatever will be will be. Please let it be good.