“Money often costs too much”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am having a bad day. I am in the process of applying for early retirement. I could possibly just end with that and most people would understand why I am having a bad day. I am 42! However, to end there would only be a small part of the story. I am facing a real dilemma. It is one that no one can help with. It is one which relies on me and me alone. I have to decide whether I settle for realism or make a leap of faith and continue with optimism.
I have 2 choices available to me. The first is to commute my retirement package and take a large lump sum based on me not being around for all that long. The other is to take a much smaller lump sum and a reasonable pension for as long as I live. Fuck what a quandary. So you see why I can be realistic or optimistic. The difference in capital is about 7 years of me surviving this shit. I pretty much know that asking for a professional opinion would only bring me news that I don't want to hear. It would be news based on statistics and I'm just not willing to be that or indeed fulfil the prophecy. It's all down to me and how I choose to view my situation. I have been going over this for the last few days and it has seriously dragged me down. I felt myself starting to give up. Part of me feels that to take the lump sum is to sign my own death warrant, mentally. I normally wake up and feel good and plan the day but the last 2 days I have had a feeling of being very unsettled when getting out of bed. I suppose my forthcoming scan also plays a part. Overall though I am feeling anxious about this decision. Lets face it, it's no surprise and it's not a decision that anyone wants to be dealing with.
Trying to rationalise finances in the face of terminal cancer is a real pain. In an ideal world finances wouldn't come into such a situation, but they do. It has been shown that women diagnosed with breast cancer who have a full time job face more financial hardship than those who don't work. Some people lose their home, it's awful. McMillan are excellent in their advice and monetary help. Not everyone takes advantage of this and they should. In such times it is also worthwhile applying for Disability Living Allowance, it is your entitlement. Again many people don't do this, especially those who are not familiar with the world of benefits. I applied for DLA during my first diagnosis, I was unsurprisingly refused. I investigated and found that the majority of cancer patients are turned away initially. There is an appeal system, again most people don't bother applying. Often feeling ashamed at asking for help. On principle I did appeal. I was more than happy to go before a panel and state my case. Life was unfair enough. It took 9 months from first applying and ironically I was only days away from my second diagnosis but I won my case and I was given what I was due. As a result I am still receiving a weekly amount, it all helps in times when I am no longer able to earn a wage. These are the things that no one tells you. Life becomes unrecognisable in so many different ways when diagnosed with cancer. Taking practical steps isn't always easy but it is definitely worth it. And so here I am taking more practical steps but struggling with my decision. The bottom line is that I don't want to give in to this illness. I want to be here for as long as possible. However, real life dictates more realistic choices. Life is good right now and it allows me to put off thinking too much about my future and how long I've got. Taking my pension changes that and forces me to look at the facts more closely. I am thinking that I will make my final decision after my scan result. Maybe I'm just burying my head in the sand a while longer. Hey right now I feel that's my prerogative.
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