Keeping on, keeping on...

W can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality

Ayn Rand



I normally write about my day at chemo clinic with positive energy. I don't feel like doing this tonight. I'm not in a great place, I had my scan this morning and while this process is nothing particularly noteworthy the outcome is difficult. I also had a tough day watching my lovely friend Carla suffering. She had come to clinic and was due liver scan results. Her most recent one had been good and she had asked about a new treatment called ablation therapy. This targets the tumour through key hole surgery. We had discussed it over coffee last week. We decided that it was a win win situation as if her liver had remained stable it was great news and if there was some growth the hopefully she would be put forward for this new therapy. Out of the blue she was told that her tumours had increased greatly. She was been put straight onto a new chemo. I am praying that it works. She is one of the strongest people I have met on my journey and an inspiration to me. She is 37 and has everything to live for. If anyone can keep fighting it is her. These are the moments that I am reminded of how precarious this life with cancer is. It is changeable and always unknown. It is with this that I will go into my scan result on Tuesday. I guess I am truly living as an optimistic pessimist, hmm does that make me a realist, many a debate surrounding this. Whatever it makes me it gets me through these challenging times. The day  that I was re-diagnosed last August my world fell apart. I knew that I could never afford for that to happen again. As I have said before it is no bad thing to be prepared for the worst but still have hope for the best.

I also had another reality check moment. When having a scan it is standard procedure to be asked when your last period was in case of pregnancy. For the umpteenth time I explained that I was in menopause. The nurse said "oh you're very young for that". I explained that I was on my third lot of chemo. She was embarrassed and apologised that she hadn't read my notes. It was yet another reminder of my predicament as well as the less than perfect care service on offer. But hey, it is what it is. I could go on forever about incompetence but I will save it for the moment.