Some days are better than others

Some days you wake up with her complaining,
some sunny days you wish it was raining,
some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days have bouncers and won't let you in

U2 - Some Days Are Better Than Others

Moods are a funny thing  and can change like the weather. I had a very upbeat day yesterday and I came up with lots of reasons to be happy. I meant every one of them. Yet, today I woke up with an unsettling and unshakeable feeling of ennui. I have rationalised it, I think. As the day wore on and the sun broke through the clouds my mood became increasingly restless and a little bit sad. I believe that this was due to having spent some of my day yesterday discussing what I didn't ever think I would be discussing at the age of 42; how best to keep me alive. Todays latter glorious weather I believe made me sad because as it is late summer I was acutely aware of the fact that these sunny afternoons were coming to an end. I love summer and the sun. In late summer I always sit out whenever possible. I do this with a hint of melancholy at the best of times, but normally I tell myself that it's OK as summer will be here again. I think this is where I  stumbled today. I asked myself  if summer really would be here again for me. I tried not to enter into this dangerous zone but I did. I let my mind go the dark side for a while. I found myself thinking ridiculous thoughts like, what will I do with all of my lovely summer clothes if I don't live until next summer. It's good to know that I can still be shallow in profound moments! I also let my mind wander into the awful "how will I cope on my death bed" scenario. None of it good. I was humbled today and reminded that living with incurable cancer is not easy and it's wholly unpredictable. It takes a lot sometimes to stand up to it and not be beaten by it. My blogs are mainly positive and this is an honest account at all times, but today I gave in to a wee bit of sadness and I thought that I would share it. Tomorrow is another day.