Smile...

Hey, I've got nothing to do today but smile. 

Paul Simon, "Only Living Boy in New York"


It's Tuesday again and I am wide awake as always. I love it, I have thoroughly tidied my house and that sets me up for the week. I have a few things to say tonight about smiling.

Firstly, I am smiling, because yet again I had a nice day at the chemo clinic. I got to share a coffee with my lovely, energetic friend Carla, who has been battling this horrible disease all of her thirties, she is still only 37 and has been through so much. She is a pleasure to know. I also got to see my other chemo clinic friends. I had a chat with my wonderful nurse today and we talked about me staying on my current chemo for longer. This chemo is WORKING, not only is it shrinking my tumours, but more importantly it's working for me and my life. I have very few side effects and I am living a very normal life. I am not bed ridden, I am free to do the things that I want to do and enjoy my life. This is a stark contrast to my first chemo and it is a big improvement on my second. That's the thing about chemo, it works so differently for everyone, and there is no predicting it. I am happy to say that right now I have a chemo regime which is doing all the right things. For this reason it is likely that I will continue with it but on a less regular basis. I will discuss the details with my consultant next week, but she is happy to do this because of my tolerance to it. Sadly I spoke to a woman today for whom this is not the case.  She has had a terrible experience on it and she told me that she is going to stop treatment. She wont live long. She is only a few years older than me. I was devastated to hear her say that she wants to stop. However this is her choice, I don't know how she feels and I respect her decision. It is sad to hear nonetheless. I don't know what I would do if I were experiencing this. I'm not sure how bad it would have to be for me to stop. My consultant talks to me regularly about not wanting to impact upon my quality of life through harsh treatment. I have to say that as a mother I am more concerned with quantity of life. If I am bed ridden and feeling lousy, I can still be there to talk with Olivia and give her support if not much else. That, to my mind is a lot better than not being here at all, but like I said I don't know how I will feel if (or when) that day comes. But for today things are going well and I am smiling.

Another reason I am smiling is that for a couple of days I was not, literally. Chemo has another little surprise gift. It damages your teeth. The chemo itself is detrimental to them through high levels of sugar etc and also the fact that the chemo tends to dry out your mouth means that lack of saliva production leads to your teeth decaying more easily. My first chemo had a terrible effect on my teeth and I was at the dentist constantly having fillings. Several of my front teeth broke and had to be repaired. On Saturday I suffered a broken front tooth which had been damaged originally. I did not feel like smiling. I had to wait until yesterday to have it fixed. It reminded me of the anger I felt during my first treatment. I had asked my dentist about having veneers fitted as I had heard that other chemo patients had had this done. It would cost me approximately £200 per tooth as opposed to £500 done privately. Not cheap but my teeth were falling apart (again literally). She said that she would look into it for me. She came back to me and told me that the NHS were becoming much stricter about their policy on this and that they weren't keen to allow chemo patients this luxury, or necessity depending upon your viewpoint. I was disappointed once more. I was receiving a treatment for a devastating illness which was systematically ruining many parts of my body and the NHS were turning their back. I had spent a fortune having repair after repair and this was not deemed worthy of what they called cosmetic dentistry. Another insult to injury. When my tooth broke again this weekend I decided to re examine my possibilities. I intend to ask for veneers again ( I am now going to be on chemo for the rest of my life) and I fully plan on fighting my case with all that it may take. Who knows if I will win but I am going to try. I would say to anyone who ever has to go through chemo to be aware of this and to fight their corner. I will let you know my outcome. In the meantime I will keep smiling despite my somewhat less than perfect one.