Let's talk

"A child seldom needs a good talking to, as a good listening to"

Robert Brault

I visited the Hospice yesterday with Olivia. She goes once a week to speak with a child psychologist about her feelings surrounding my illness and indeed anything else that she wants to talk about. Another huge learning curve for me has been to recognise the effect that cancer has on your loved ones. Family and friends are not spared the ups and downs of the journey, in fact sometimes I fear that it may actually be worse for them. I have recognised how important it is for them to have an outlet. They need to share how they feel about it. They have anger, sadness, hope and despair just the same as the person who has actually been diagnosed. There is a lot of help and support out there for these people and I would strongly recommend that it be accessed. When I was first diagnosed I viewed my situation very much as a transient one. I was not hanging around in this cancer club, I was definitely a flying visitor. As a result I didn't take advantage of all of the help that is available. With hindsight I probably should have. When I was diagnosed with incurable cancer it changed everything and I now see the importance of speaking about your feelings. I now have spoken to qualified people and it has helped. More importantly Olivia has somewhere to speak freely. The Prince and Princess Hospice is a wonderful place and provides all kinds of help and support. For anyone looking to guide their children through the minefield of cancer I would say that it is worth contacting outside agencies. Maggie's have a lot of information on this and MacMillan are excellent for advice. I think that the Hospice is only for terminal patients but I am not sure and so would say to look into it.

The hardest part of diagnosis is the prospect of leaving a child or children behind. I  have worried more about that than anything else. I have also come to recognise that children are very adept at covering things up. They don't always let on how they feel. It can appear that they are coping well but inside they are harbouring all sorts of concerns. In my experience they are best speaking to someone on the outside. Having said this Olivia presents a very balanced front. I truly don't know whether or not she is coping really well or not. I think that she is. I again am not sure if this is partly due to denial. I don't think so.When I was given the news about my lung cancer she asked me where she would live if I died. When I gave her the possibilities she found reasons as to why this would be a problem (practical ones). I assured her that she would be loved and have a good life if I wasn't around. Her answer was that she didn't want to live, full stop, if I wasn't around. This was hard to hear. My way of dealing with the situation was to point out that for the moment I wasn't going anywhere and I would be treated and we would take it one day at a time. As a child she perhaps found this one day at a time philosophy easier to deal with than me. She seemed to accept this and that is how we live. She is a typical 10 year old. She doesn't tread carefully around me or behave in any way different to any other child. She infuriates me and drives me as nuts as any other child does any other parent.Sometimes I am immature and think "how selfish". Really. I have to remind myself that this is good, this is living in the day. Yesterday she announced that she feels ok at the moment and would rather play with her friends after school than attend the hospice. This is what we are going to do and the door is open whenever she may feel the need for it. Maybe the last few  months have been enough of a help. I don't know. All I do know is that there is help and support there if it is needed and I personally would recommend that any one in a similar situation to me look into it.